normally I beat off every night before I go to bed even though my little brother sleeps in the same room. So I was starting to last night, and he jumped out of bed and said "Fuck, Im not listening to this shit again" We havent talked since. fuck me
Btw, I'm really high so I apologize if anything I say gets translated into arabic.
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
Dude I pulled down his pants and he already had a condom on
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
So getting drunk in honor of the bomb threat is legit right?
I was at a bus stop, eating a load of bread. Fairly sure I'm the poster child for poor students.
Is it wrong that the only reason I'd want Savannah in my wedding party is to watch her whore around and drink?
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
Last night he ate BBQ Pringles out of my boobs...I feel like it was moderately productive
I'm having post-experience "why didn't I fuck her in a public bathroom" regrets
You will drink beer in a kiddie pool in your back yard but you wont bring a girl home
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
I got home and he was wearing a suit. He said he reason was because it was shirt and tie Saturday and that he won't change until midnight. He then proceeded to answer the door in a British accent.
Randomize
