I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
he said something along the lines of "fish can smell fear"
She wanted to roleplay. Apparently you be snow and i'll be a plow wasn't an option
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
im actually trying to see how many sex dolls we need for our raft so we can stay buoyant while we attack kayakers
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
That's not a funny feeling. That's hepatitis. You got it from that bar where everything was sticky.
Who gives a hand job to a 19 yr old one night then the next lets a 31 year old random man fly a plane to town and pick u up and take u to dinner?
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
I wear drunk well.
Randomize
