That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
He is passed out on the kitchen floor. He will fight you if you disturb him. Just a warning.
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
He told me something must be wrong, because no one had seen my boobs yet
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
And on the subject of embracing my inner whore, I had two different dicks in my mouth yesterday. Friend, it's official. I'm completely outta control.
Paris has not been good for her. Everytime she has a one night stand from a different country, she buys a mini flag and tapes it to her wall with the others
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
See I would make a great girlfriend. My surprises are sex and burritos. What else do guys want
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
You are the ghost of drunk bitches past, present, and future.
I don't know why this person would ask for help. It sounds pretty OK to me. Also, I'd steal those bagpipes.
Drunk me bought a cell phone last week and began texting sober me. The conversation between the two is still on going.
This date is awful. He’s too boring to bang
Is porn accurate? Can I order a pizza and do the delivery boy?
Randomize