its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
I just watched a woman break three wood planks with her boobs. I don't know how I feel about that
I told my mom I had sex with him and even SHE was proud. Now that's saying something.
How does "I'm not drinking tonight" turn into body shots?
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
Good news. Isn't krabs. Bad news. Not sure what it is. Worse news. Encouraged not to fuck till known. Great news getting laid tonight
It'll just be like "PENIS HERE". In case you get lost.
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
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