I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
i just realized how high i was when i was screaming red light challenge at the top of my lungs and am watching it alone
trent lit his nipple on fire and said "i am the only highlander"
i was in the bathroom puking my brains out, a girl walked in and said "i just came to do the same thing" so i told her i would move over and share the toilet. its better than being alone.
do you wanna get some fucking pussy tonight.....THEN DRESS LIKE IT
Oddly enough when I decided to stop whoreing myself out... I lost most of my companionship.
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
Scary. I hope people take me seriously. Maybe I should black out less to be sure
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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