Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
she won't take no for an answer... no matter what language i said it in
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
She is larger then a hippo. You could cut her open in the middle of a blizzard and crawl in like Luke skywalker. Throw a couch and a tv in there and you're set
I pretty much landed into this relationship penis first
I DO NOT KNOW WHO SHE IS, WE HAVE NO MORE FRUIT, SHE CAN'T STAY HERE.
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
She doesn't even know his real name...he just keeps calling himself Hans the Third
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
Got 3360 Shoppers points for buying Plan B. I guess this all worked out for the best.
OH MY GOD did i pee on you?!
Hypothetically - think of it as Schrodinger's blow-job.
he drove over two hours to fuck me and came in 3 minutes. he got mad when I asked him if it was worth it...
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