I feel like I'm in dance class right now
Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
Go ahead. I tried to back up ur budhism story but she mite be catching on
Dammit. I hoped that would work. Just tell her I'm doing my pilgrmidge to Nepal or something.
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
Is it bad that I tried to build an outfit based around "What do people who use condoms look like when they buy condoms?"
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?
So you're saying that I ended up challenging a dude to Uno then proceed to punch them in the face?
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
Randomize
