No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
you dont have to exercise, you threw up last night!
you kept lying down on the floor at the bar just to prove you could get back up
he's 25, hott, and leaving for iraq tuesday, i wanna get in as much as possible...
your life is a nick sparks novel waiting to happen
She was so wet my fingers were literally pruney when I got done with her
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
Im pretty sure by the fifth subway ride after going in circles the four times prior, we all just accepted that we werent making the concert and should instead enjoy our magical weed and tequila laced journey.
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
So we decided we're going to stop having sex...except for tonight. And probably tomorrow.
It looks like I jerked off a rainbow.
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
i woke up in just my thong, face first on my bed with all the lights on. how hungover do you think i felt?
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