man, i hate rosetta stone. i wanted to impress this girl with italian last night but all i could say were things like "a blue airplane" and "he is wearing a white shirt"
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
He seriously just asked the doctor if taking the medicine for chlamydia was going to cut into his drinking time. Never let it be said that he is not dedicated.
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
Her life is filled with shit luck. Its like mother nature is having her period and just taking it out on her specifically.
they sound like some classy girls.
Hey, I don't give them daddy issues, I just take advantage of it. The real bad guy here is American parenting.
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
If it makes you feel any better they literally are drinking alcohol out of a toilet. They are serving drinks out of a nasty ass toilet...!
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
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