Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
Exactly. I don't do penetration on the first date. Blowjobs however are perfectly acceptable.
I encourage the greeting beej. It determines if the dick is worth keeping around.
I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
okay I may or may not have wrapped my body pillow up in your t-shirt and sprayed it with your axe and am now spooning with it.
again? I'm starting to get a little creeped out now.
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
he said he got tested two months ago... he goes with his whole family.
We should make a goal to do one active thing a day, even if its like throwing a ball
And by ball i mean playing catch. Beer pong does not count as an activity
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
Did you Fuck minivan and her friend last night?
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
Well you know I have tits so that's half the battle
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
Quick question. If you break the bathroom sink off the wall from fucking on it, can you claim it on your homeowner's insurance as a 'natural disaster'?
Randomize
