i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
When did it seem like a good idea to do pull ups off the balcony? After beer 5 or shot 7?
I just keep sniffing it hoping for an explanation.
Her desktop wallpaper is a collage of penises she fucked.
I can taunt you with whatever I want. Like batman and sex.
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
yeah that bottle of rum is only the second thing I want that kid to be pulling out of his pants
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
I'm not sure. I have to find the Greeks I was with last night and see if they can explain to me why I can't hear out of my right ear and why I look like I got the shit kicked out of me
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
Hey what are you up to?
I am wear the people with the mustaches live. I have found their home.
DUDE, WE BOUGHT THE ACID TOGETHER.
Randomize
