i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
I fucked him in the bathroom at Cedar Point. if it hadn't been for me already combining my two favorite things in the world the whole bathroom thing would have been a little disgusting.
I dont want to tell you. Lets just say that a lot of things are reminding me of your dick right now
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
If shame burned calories, I'll be back to my birth weight by the end of this weekend.
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
Is it inappropriate to match with someone on tinder just to ask if the friend in his profile picture is single?
Someone wrote "LazerSwords" on my cock last night. My erect cock. Tequila is no one's friend.
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
I just remembered I casually gave you a tour of the house after we boned...lol
Randomize
