Well maybe next time you won't tell me to do whatever I want.
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
So befoe we go on this mission how reliable are you for bailing peope out of jail
Update: still drunk enough to get lost in Zellers and to think my reflection was my mother. Awesome day.
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
Just walked in on my older brother getting a bj. He told the girl to "keep going" and then attempted to high five me
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
My penis has like 3 people bidding on it
I was trying to drink every time they said planned parenthood but my body isn't cut out for this.
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
I remember walking into a bathroom stall that had a couple fucking in it and giving them a condom and a thumbs up and then leaving
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