i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
you screamed 'he won't go on a date with me, but he gave me a free junior chicken'
well imagine, me dating the manager equals free junior chickens for everyone
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
I thinking of taking all of the pics of his dick that he's sent me and making a calendar.
I'm lying on the floor in the back room praying my boss doesn't come to work today.never again
There comes a time where you just have to sit back and watch the drunken idiots pee on each other
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
we are currently pregaming for our walk to the liquor store.
step one: admitting you have a problem. complete.
I mean his penis was perfect in pictures but its even more perfect inside me
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