dude your girlfriend loves you alot..she yelled your name lastnight in bed
it's just like freshman year of high school, with more drugs
They turned the water off again. Brushed my teeth with whats left from those pitchers of mojitos. So hung over i dont even care.
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
I think I'll handle my grief by throwing myself headlong into lesbianism. Seems like a fitting tribute to you.
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
I can feel my pain tolerance has shot up right along with my libido
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
I went to a community college and majored in Bad Decisions. I'm not exactly a chick magnet.
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
Randomize
