I either date the nice guys or the assholes. There isn't any in between.
You need to find a taint.
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
Pizza toast. It's like pizza but on toast. BC we are broke. OMG its so good.
You would never do this sober.
That guy is like a clown car of sexy. Just when I think I've seen it all, THERE'S MORE.
AND SOME IN THE TRUNK.
I vote we get high and sneak off to McDonald's to get mcflurries.
YES. ALL MY YES.
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
my mom tells me this morning that i was blasting teach me how to dougie at 2 am last night and refused to leave her room until she dougied with me
i am risking my non lesbian vagina for your needs. i better be the best friend you ever had
Randomize
