There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
If it has a penis then it will be stupid. Just how it works.
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
the wall and i were having dominance issues.
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
You know you are 86'd from the legacy right? You can't down shots then spike the shot glass
When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between
I just vodka nap now...
I do not mind being torn from the first touches of sleep to see a man who looks like that
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
Fuck the library it's too quiet and makes me uneasy. I feel like I'm so isolated I should take off my pants or something
I'll seduce him with my charm, after all, I am a graceful swan.
More like a demented cow.
Randomize
