booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
Hurry. And bring back up. SHE WON'T STOP TALKING.
it was like the sexual equivalent of when Wilson fell off the raft and floated away
and i had to drink on "never have i ever unsuccessfully tried to seduce a virgin ginger"
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
I just have to decide what I love more, food or dick.
I have done everything sexualally imaginable with that umpalumpa
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
I kicked down a wall in rage and found a door behind the drywall. Once again vandalism solves all my problems.
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