My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
Dancing like a fucking crazy person to jai ho with a snow ball in her hand. Snow days make her go nuts.
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
my parents are out trying to convince the local liquor stores to post "do not sell our daughter alcohol" flyers. i'm preping my defense now.
Ok, let's play "if you were a slut" again and try and retrace our steps last night..
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
also, made a drinking game out of my birthday photos....drink everytime alcohol is in a photo. going through all 350 of them.
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
I traded my pants for a Santa hat last night and it was so worth it.
You know for a guy who frequently jumps into stuff without thinking it through, your can do spirit is lacking on this one
I fell out of my bed whilst trying not to move this morning. I AM ADULT
I had ice cream for breakfast two days in a row.
SUPER ADULTS
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
Randomize
