I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
I am unable to type or say "unprotected, receptive anal sex" with a straight face. clearly, HIV was a poor research paper topic choice.
In fact, not a good idea to go into any house alone after a man invites you in from his balcony.
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
Cassie is wearing a baseball cap. This rebound is going nowhere
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
sober me doesnt really want him anymore, but when drunk me takes over, she might want him, and god only knows the shit that might happen with drunk me.
Still riding the magical train of drugs so, yeah, Id say I feel great
I swear to god, no guy has been as interested in sticking stuff up my butt as this girl
Randomize
