that's when I learned why R Kelly peed on that bitch
I shampoo & condition my pubes, sometimes i wish my face was closer so i could rub against it cause it feels like plush
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
So he ended up throwing a watermelon that he stole from the cafeteria saying "if i cant have it no one can" of the 5th floor.
I no longer see him as a simple set of male genitalia attached to a very sexy body. The title "trophy fuck" seems wrong. Damn.
I am wrecking havoc on the skinny girls by going home with the big one. She is taking me to see her dog now.
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
So his shoes are still here. And there are three contacts in a case. And a shirt on the bed. I've checked my dorm and he's not here. I'm so confused.
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
I woke up on the green space outside our dorm cradling a watermelon and sucking my thumb. College is crazy man.
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
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