We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
You know you're deprived when the only thing you taste while chewing gum is the 2 grams of sugar alcohol.
Just saw your girl from last night... Be embarrassed
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
You leave me no choice. Your vagina is grounded. It can just sit there and think about what it's done.
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
First roommate to find me and dance with me will live. Battle Royale.
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
I don't know if trying Molly for the first time before my flight was an awesome or aweful idea
I used my dress as a plate for pizza rolls last night
I never thought it would be so hard to find a power hour partner at 2 on a Wednesday
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
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