he is not the type of person you only have sex with once. god adds years to your life every time you sleep with him.
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
And some old guy told me Jesus loves me and I laughed super hard and told him sinning is fun. Hahaha
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
I just kept screaming "I'm fucking a preacher's son!" Also, this water tastes like weed.
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
How’d it go?
I accidentally joined a cult
So not great...
Dude, she was there with her husband and I was there with my wife. Of course we banged in the bathroom.
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
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