I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
how many princess gummy vitamins will it take to negate last nights drinking binge?
I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
I wish I could save this moment forever and have sex with it regularly. Its just tht beautiful.
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
He is currently pregaming mini golf. MINI GOLF.
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
He balanced a treat on his nose, and then he rolled me a joint. My bf is the best pet ever.
Woke up in a sombrero and a males speedo. Tequila makes normal peoples clothes fall off, however it makes me fall into a questionable identity crisis
It's always great when the guy I get pills from sends me an email that says "I know you will get clean it's going to be hard but I know you can do it"
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
Probably going to live on vodka sodas and fireball shots
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
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