she calls it her "sourpuss" because everyone makes that face when they see it.
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
Bank of America: Available balance is $546.25 on 03/04/2011 for account 8428. Go online for details. TextSTOPtoStop/TextHELPforHelp
i loe djcudia fjxos rue.
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
How do I figure out the name of this sleeping naked guy in my bed?
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
We'll just play naked Twister, the rest will take care of itself
But at least i made friends with the nice lesbian cop. She knew i was her kind when she had to confiscate my rainbow/pride rolling papers.
Its like a glacier coming out of my asshole.
Randomize
