Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
it was really awkward, he kept trying to get on the bed with us and we kept having to kick him back on the floor.
We've finally become those guys who you'd see in middle school when you went to the park who are just stoned out of their minds sitting on the swings.
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
yea i guess its safe to say fire extinguishers are not synonymous with whip cream cans
Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
Pre-drinking/conditioning my liver for this impending hurricane party associated with cat. 2 hurricane Irene. Be ready to roll in a weather channel minute.
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
i just want to attach a dildo to the ceiling and ride it like a gay spiderman.
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
I think id rather titty fuck an A cup than deal with what happened tonight again. shits depressing
Either I think of sex like a man, or all the men in Vegas are women.
I WANT PIZZA BUT I ALSO WANT SELF ESTEEM
BUT LIKE WHO AM I TO EVER CARE ABOUT SELF ESTEEM
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
This is what we get for finishing a whole box of Franzia by ourselves
Randomize
