You know you love balls. Don't act all "I-Don't-Love-Balls-ish"
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
Just got to school and somone already mentioned the amount of cereal im carrying.
This is one of those times where I really wish my vagina could tell me what happened last night.
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
I woke up in Brittany's thong, Tony's shirt, and an oven mitt
Let's play the game let's see how long Kayla can be sober
Her son walked in on us and asked if he could "wrestle too."
Dude, you can't drink while watching Star Trek. You hardly understand it sober.
It's an alien shaped cup though. i think that'll help me absorb.
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
He's got a big dick, a steady job and tells me I'm pretty. There is litterally nothing else I look for I a guy.
Randomize
