i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
I have decided that a Nickelback cover band would be the pinnacle of loserdom.
Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
If you win this game of words with friends, ill suck you off for 30 minutes. No lie.
I cant last that long. Do i get the rollover minutes?
She said just put your tongue in there and don't linger. I have other things to do.
I'm gonna drop in for a zip later man. It made me wanna eat my girls shampoo. Good shit
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
He fucked me in one of the back rooms at the club then gave me an altoid. I have mixed feelings about it still.
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
Literally.... Guy kissing himself in mirror in this hotel elevator
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