I just did the scooter of shame. New levels of embarrassment have now opened.
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
My dealer threw in a "freestyle rap" today with my purchase. I dont know if I can handle this relationship.
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
He somehow pantsed the bouncer and tipped him over before cartwheeling and skipping away? Help me find him.
The wizard has you scheduled for a 6am sex breakfast
I'm so there
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
he was making out with her against the stove and started a fire--the thirst literally almost burned the place down!!
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
it's my fake id's birthday. i'm wearing a hat, and i have a beard. i'm untouchable. TO THE BARS!
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
With each thrust he'd whisper "like a ninja." Should I be flattered or appalled?
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