Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
i thought she was just hairy. i didn't know she was also a man.
For what it's worth, your chances of anal go up the more she loves you. There's always a silver lining.
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
I had fun. Till he melissa etheridged my ass and came to my window.
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
I'm currently braless eating the balls of the penis cake and drinking warm champagne. I'm 3 cats away from crazy at this point
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
She doesn't even know his real name...he just keeps calling himself Hans the Third
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
I remember her making the first martini but the rest of the weekend is a blur of vodka, high heels and sex toys.
First time being used by a cougar. Definitely okay with it
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