pube in her braces AGAIN. barely kept a straight face.
Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
you asked the guy at 7-11 if he remembered when you came in and threw news paper every where... then you did it again
A 20 minute car ride back to your car with the girl u had drunk anal with is the most uncomfortable thing ever.
this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
Rumble strips road head = magical
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
I FOUND A VIBRATOR IN MY BABY BROTHERS ROOM. IM FREAKIN OUT MAN ITS BIGGER THEN MINE
put it back and chill out ok
NO FUCK HES 15 WHO EVEN SOLD HIM THAT HES A BABY
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
Randomize
