remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
Why do I feel like I'm not the only one drinking to make my night class teacher look better?
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
We need to put it on a rope attached to the bong, so it can't be dropped. Apparently, you need a stem safety leash.
He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
I should be trashily making out with an air force cadet in the beach volleyball court by now
IM BACK TOGETHER WITH MY BF AND HERE YOU ARE SUCKING DICK FROM 2009
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
on the bright side i found your panties and the lid to the nutella
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
Working from home has been great for my sex life! A few of my neighbors are in open marriages and several more wish they were!!!
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