she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
omg. if hes just gonna get mad everytime i have sex with one of his "friends" then it was never gonna work out
Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
Note to self...boner negates all verbal agreements ...got it
So I'm guessing that puking on a camper is a straight path to instant termination?
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
I want to ride his face like a jet ski
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
So learned a new trick last night.... Taking body shots from my own tits... Mom would be so proud
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