I really liked your hair last night but that style makes it really hard to hold it while you puke
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
I'm having flashbacks from last night. Did I admit to pausing Whitney's funeral because I was watching porn? I believe I did.
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
But the Super Mario beer pong table is more than appropriate.
HOLD ONTO YOUR PANTIES AND SAY GOODBYE TO THE REMAINDER OF YOUR INTEGRITY
I couldn't do it. You can't break up after that many orgasms. It's physically impossible.
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
A guy was over-the-skirt fingering me on the dance floor and I stopped him to sensually rap in his ear. So that was my Halloweekend
WTF? Why is there a pic of my tits in ur dad's office?
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
Can I just go naked and covered in glitter?
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
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