Great date with Damon, but I'm not sure if telling him I like lesbian porn is a good second date discussion.
Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
the liability waiver did not state that i couldn't bring my bottle of wine in the bouncy castle. it did Not.
i think she is mad at you for trying to take a shit in the back seat of her car
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
Just saw a crackhead get taken down by pd in the canal. Its offically spring
Good news! I don't have Hep C! Better news! I still hate you!
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
Just drove by where I lost my sausage gravy virginity
Stop touching yourself.
Wtf!?!?!?! Did you install a camera???
That is romantic
Well sometimes you just gotta put your dicks and pizzas together to show you care
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
Randomize
