I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
i just got a Mexican deported. not sure how to feel.
Revelation of the day. Bulimia is dumb. Anorexia is easier.
You suck.
He was passed out on the floor holding a beer can, rolled over switched hands and never spilled a drop. We need to practice.
Did we literally take a cab across the street
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
I know for sure he's a bro because he closed the door so my gf didn't see me hooking up with her cousin.
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
Having a man strip on demand was an awesome way to start birthday. What more could a girl ask for? U the best!
Just saw the guy I slept with last night in a bar. He gave me a high five and kept moving
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
Found another bruise from Saturday #stopliquor2014
You're acting like you didn't chug fireball, like duh you have bruises you drunk betch
I've been eaten out in coupes, sedans, trucks, suv's, you name it. If I can do it in a smart car, you can do it in a vw beetle.
I knew you were the expert on doing it in public. You need to get paid for your advise
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