Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.
Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
You know its a good sign when a girl asks who everyone is AFTER she flashes her tits to the room.
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
Man, I must say, having known you since preschool, Eiffel-Tower-ing her would've fully completed our journey to brotherhood.
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
He's claiming he can open a beer bottle with anything. He's been trying for a while now with a power rangers action figure and he is just cutting the hell out of his hand. There is blood all over billy
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
That said I did get head on the roof of a 15 story building which, regardless of quality, is still cool
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
Randomize
