So drunk its hurt
I had to fart so bad so i let it go hoping it would be quiet, it was loud and shit came out!!! and i couldnt leave because her parents were behind me
I told him I wanted to have sex to "halleluiah", he suggested the poke-rap.
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
So I gave him a handjob and now we aren't friends anymore
You're at Notre Dame. What did you expect?
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
I just heard "I just let you finger me on Megabus, I clearly don't have standards".
I gave him a bunch of ideas to use to spice up their sex life. Say what you will, I am the best 'other' woman ever!
They're frat boys at heart and have sickly, dusty, rotting souls.
in honor of breaking bad starting soon, i am now banging a walter white lookalike. viva heisenberg!
I managed all three standard threesome configurations a female-bodied person can achieve in just under nine years. I want to high-five everyone involved, but I've lost touch with a couple of them
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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