Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
I just left during the middle of Chemistry to go throw up in the bathroom....and you laughed at my travel toothbrush.
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
I'll be so proud. Like a proud mama bear freeing my slut cub into the wild.
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
Tell me again why I left before the topless cake fight
HE GAVE ME ONE OF HIS BEERS.
YOU'RE THE CHOSEN ONE.
Seeing your boyfriend, side piece, and great white buffalo, all in one night? Its a sign right?
Proceed with caution.
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
Its just akward. Everytime he tells me he loves me, I have to respond with, I love having sex with you. and he just stares at me in amazement
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
Randomize
