Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
Seeing Harry Potter 3D stoned: Pro- giant redheads w/cute accents. Con-weeping for stoners who only had Pink Floyd laser shows.
He used one end of the towel to wipe the cum and I used the other end to wipe the tears
He's throwing up in my bed and I'm not even getting fucked for this
he ruins everything I try to do including his roommates
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
Plus it's a good way to scope out guys. Have them fight for you, like real males do in nature.
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
Woke up on the floor with shoes on my hands...I'd say it was a success
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
I turn into such a nice and loving person when I take Vicodin
Randomize
