You screamed 'pound me, you big thick stud.' I looked around for porn cameras.
Shut up. I did not.
I really wish I was making that up.
I think you should know he took my pants (buttons and zippers included) and my thong off with his mouth alone. I found my husband
No idea how i never noticed that penis before. I wonder if it works
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
this is not the first time I've had hot dogs and 151 for thanksgiving.
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
Boats looked like robot pelicans and time was slow and now im on wipe out
Guy just came in wearing only shorts, on his hand was written - my name is ... Call ... And tell them where i am, thanx - in permanent marker, ordered his favorite dish, and left w/out touching it. It's snowing outside.
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
I have no idea what happened last night, but my pee is neon green.
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
We're meant to be. Apparently God wants me to get dicked down pretty good too so I'm not complaining about destiny
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
Randomize
