Paul doesn't remember going to the bar and slept on someone's porch...doesn't know whose porch...maybe near Howard U.
What do you want? Don't say anything that would make me look like a pussy at the store.
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
I have a fever. Last thing I need to do tonight is be elbow deep in old lady pussy.
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
Which one of you fucks put a bounty out on my brother's virginity?
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
Does sending her to the conference instead of a competent employee and putting her in a suite make up for banging her husband behind her back?
No, but she’ll have a nice memory when she gets dumped and fired on the same day.
Randomize
