i woke up under my mattress pad with him laying naked next to me and his wwjd bracelet on my nightstand.
nice, that's exactly what jesus would do.
I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza
So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
Wake and baked to watch the boston marathon. God I love massachusetts
She was wearing a shirt that said "Just Do Me", holding a half of a bottle of Vodka, and was screaming at her friends "PUSSY JUST SWALLOW!" before she chugged the rest of the bottle.
Dude, if you don't take her, I will.
let's put it this way: i'm gonna stop drinking and get a gym membership. she's that hot
Sandwiches are there for you when porn isn't.
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
The straight guy here is hot. He described himself as Christian grey without the money and my vagina fell out of my body
I only got lap dances from the ugliest strippers, i couldnt stop myself from laughing the entire time.
Another memory: We offered for a stranger to live in our house under the condition that he took the garbage out because it's a 'blue' job.
We are the best.
Ps. We need to take the garbage out.
I'm pretty sure I asked his brother if he was gay while drunkenly falling to the ground.
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
Randomize
