There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
you were the first one he came out to and you announced it as the finale while singing karaoke at the bar
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
And I'm also limping. I just wish that I had self control. I'm 23 for fuck sake and I'm sitting at work, with mascara down my face, vomit on my clothes and an unknown black substance on my tits. How will I ever find my Greek husband if I keep this up?
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
DON'T PUKE iN THE PRINGLES CAN, WHATEVER YOU DO!
Its guy fieris flavor town of suffering™
He ate me out in a golf cart while I watched the sunset. You are so right, golf skirts do provide amazing access.
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