Just got my rental car in Iowa...gas is under 2 dollars in des moines...this is not a real state
I feel like ignoring a facebook event is a lot like a pocket-veto. The only difference is instead of opposing legislation, I don't want to go to your sketchy party.
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
Does adding vodka to a protein shake defeat the purpose?
if he wont fuck me on the stairamster then i dont think theres much XXX shit going down
he got mad becuase i made more noise when he gave me a back massage then i do when we actually have sex
Some poor guy found you passed out in a bathroom stall. Again with your dick out. Looks like you got to rage after all.
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
I smoked all his weed and he hasn't noticed yet. But I might need a place to crash when he does
Your bf is wearing nothing but a cape, I mean absolutely NOTHING but a cape. I know you said he looks like Thor but this is getting a bit ridiculous.
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
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