Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
next time the cops show up in riot gear we should probably leave
and miss being on the news....no way
I just bid on a $9000 car because I think its my ex-girlfriends. Yes I wanna hit that again.
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
Just got to her place. Her parents are here and are high as a kite.
Her father just game me a high 5 as they left the room. Her mom leaned in and said "this is a rebound thing"
I hate vagina strikes, but I must not stray from my path. My boyfriend will know the true meaning of blue balls.
So he got the TA job but i told him its not official until we have a quickie on his desk. He offered to break into his office. He doesnt start until this fall.
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
why isn't there a kind of gay where i let guys give me head but they don't expect me to give it back? i could be that kind of gay
He was that good?
He just started dry humping the air... I'm done
where are you?
two trains and a bus walk of shame. so not worth it.
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
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