girls just need to accept the fact that i'm going to make out with their boyfriends
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
He's been grabbing my ass as a greeting since 2004, sex was overdue
Walked in on my boss having phone sex at work... and somehow this didnt bother nor embaress him
how do you feel about lunch break shots ?
Your never gonna wash that desperation outta that sweatshirt you know.
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
But if I live with you I'll help pay rent. Only if you promise no 50 shades of what the fuck internet hookups
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
I had to remind him last night as he had his arm around me, "We hook up, we don't cuddle!"
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