Getting fucked up met up rando with a girl I confesswed my love for last night. weird, going with it
Oh, don't even get me started. Harry Potter is so pure. Twilight is just teenage girl porn.
P.S. theres no milk for breakfast, but theres plenty of beer or red wine. you decide.
We tried to play doctor all sexually then he was taking down my 'symptoms' I said I needed to puke he thought it was part of the game
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
Hundreds of bug bites..Dad jokingly says "looks like you passed out naked in the woods somewhere"
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
I look like i have multiple stab wounds in my foot and there are footprints from the elevator to my room. What happened?
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
Secrets from the porn industry: liTERALLY SHOVE A SEA SPONGE UP YOUR VAGINA GO ON DO IT
just used my $120 dollar stats book for the first time to kill an ant... good thing i stole it
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