We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
I searched the house and found a small bottle of sherry which is probably as old as I am, has prob gone off and tastes like shit. I don't care any more. It has come to this.
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
It was a legit night tell he threw a snowball in the bar, thats when I knew it was time to go to the next bar.
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
My taste buds are fucked up, everything tastes like fire after last night.
Just saw a couple chasing each other on lawn mowers. Oh South Knoxville.
Not too bad but came home early cuz business was shut down due to an employee sexually harrassing the inspector
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
I had 2 shots but she spilt one on me. Kinda mad but kinda grateful
My GF, FWB and Side piece are all booty calling me. I’m a victim of my sexual success
2020 sucks, I want a refund
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