your parents love me but you hate me
my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
Her vagina smelled like bad decisions
His room was full of guns. It was like having sex with Clint Eastwood.
Next year we will be 30 and no more shots during the week.
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
Hows that studying goin for you?
I'm in my bathtub in a robe and jeans smoking a bowl and my hair is covered in olive oil
I've friend zoned this boy hard. I made him change my nipple rings before he went home.
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
I'm wearing too many socks to be ok with this.
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
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