I think I died a long time ago.
Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
I just told a dude I hooked up with last night he was the pick of the litter.
He managed to light the Jello on fire...
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
I made $80 at the club last night by telling him he was like a wild pony and I just wanted to tame him
He always tells me he misses my clit. I feel like I should make a drinking game out of it
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
I have never thoroughly inspected the geometry of my nipples until now. How do I fix this?
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
He just told me I was beautiful, whilst I peed into a cup. If this isn't love I don't know what is.
Randomize