The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
I'm done. I'm tired and there's a topless pic of me floating around the nation's largest 3G network.
They're calling for 20 inches of snow but I'll have a dirtbike for emergency trips to the liquor store. Even if I crash it won't hurt.
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
You should offer shots at parent teacher conferences..I bet more ppl come
and you stopped teaching...why?
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
I know. His dick was small at the top and got bigger at the bottom, like a fucking curling wand.
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
I like that you're more concerned about how I would find the time to clone you, than the fact that I have your blood.
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
Feel free to drag me back to reality at your convenience
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