I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
do you know your status is "goal for vegas: hook up with a girl AND a boy"?
and THATS why i'm not adding my mom on facebook
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
just saw way to many penises for it being 5 o'clock on a thursday
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
Last night dinner was cinnamon buns and whiskey. At least tonight I had a fajita with my cookies and tequila. I may be a little stressed about these end of semester tests.
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
Friday is the holy day of drinking. Thou shalt observe the Sabbath. It's in the bible. Look it up bitch.
i ordered what the bartender said was called a pink cock, and kept saying it tastes like a disney princess. thats how my 21st bday went
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