it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
Wow. Thanks for becoming another fan of something on Facebook. You make me want to gouge my eyes out.
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
You're making her cookies in enchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin.
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
im still going. this is my new reality. also. dont take glowsticks in the bath. they explode. actually. do. it. its beautiful.
i dont think thats healthy man...
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
He passed out in the car on the way to the party. Seabiscuit tripped before the race even started....Lil bitch....
It was a fight. Me vs nature and drunkenness. And nature won. Big time.
Haha. Maybe he's one of those feminine men who fucks like a god then makes you fantastic crepes afterwards
A dude was barking out of one of the buildings so I barked back and he goes, "Oh shit! She barked back! Come to room 803 I'll fuck you!"
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
Randomize
