found her sleeping in the closet. woke her up and she said she was camping.
I've learned something. I regret way too may Tuesdays in my life to be normal
woke up this morning in the hall outside of my parents room with a sign taped to myself that said "im sorry"...
Some advice...don't play drunk rock em sock em robots. With actual people. I have bruises EVERYWHERE.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
Long story short I'm making an I'm sorry card for a girl I dont remember having sex with
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
I HAVE 5 FELTING NEEDLES AND THEYRE GOING DIRECTLY INTO YOUR EYES IF YOU POST THAT SHIT
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
WHY IS THERE A GOLD FISH IN MY BONG??
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
Randomize
