The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
No dude, you can't hot box a bus shelter.
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
My usual answer of have sex with it doesn't work in this situation
I'd rather be sodomized with a fullly decorated Christmas tree.
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
Dude, please tell me you know why there's a naked chick asleep outside my room.
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
Randomize
