There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
I just want to sing "highway to the danger zone" when I'm taking his pants off.
He seems like he has feelings, which is completely unacceptable; esp for a boy in college.
Im sure that doesnt mean its ruined... It was your bithday you get a free "im drunk at 7 am" card
i jus dunped the rest of my drink down the sink and tool my bra off. pretty sure this is the best decision for everybody.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
I am so hung over a medically induced coma is beginning to sound appealing.
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
Last night when you stole the construction sign you told me to tell you that first you did it for the money Than you did it for the music But mostly you did it for your family
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
I went to an 8am hookup in another guys sweatpants. Who is the really player here?
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
Liz Cheney wasn’t exactly on my list of women I expected to be saying “YAS QUEEN” for in 2021 but here we are
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