I pulled out and her Nuva ring was around my dick... It was like I won a carnival game for adults... I asked her where my big stuffed bear was
This soccer player girl is eating this banana WAY to slow. Too early for penis shaped foods.
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
Sex and the city 2 and twilight getting released in the same month. God hates mankind.
the only time i'm productive on weed is when i drink.
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.
You fucked everything up-can't pass a cleared kitchen table without getting hard
My vday gift was a joint bouquet, Finding Nemo on bluray, and a good shower fuck.
Um, WHAT A FUCKING KEEPER!
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
I really have a thing for Greek chicks; I feel like while we are having sex she has the ability to make hummus which is just too appealing for me to pass up.
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
Let's just say, I'm pretty sure you're banned from Skype.... like, forever.
Randomize
