Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
His appology was" look at it this way, at least you'll give better head without those teeth.'
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
Way to high for badminton right now. This is gonna be a shitshow.
I'm trying to find candidates for my winter break hook up. I'm going to hold auditions thanksgiving break.
Just so you know, this text is a buffer between the two guys I'm sexting. Can't get that shit messed up.
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
There were containers of weed in the piñata. How much more Colorado does it get
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
When we started the night I was in zebra wedges & she was in my black boots... I woke up wearing pink flip flops & the mirror on my rental is fuxked up. Wtf happened last night?
Randomize
