Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
think I signed up for a 5k last night while blackout.
Well anyways I still cant believe I don't remember such a monumental day in history as you showing me your boobs... Jesus
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
You passed out and I didn't draw a penis on your face. Sister of the year.
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
I'm telling you, I 'm beginning to think that my vagina is magical.
Idk, but the girl in his story had really nice eyebrows and was singing The Climb. How about you CLIMB the fuck away from my man
FORGET THE EYEBROWS
How can i make it up 2 u?
DREW I AM SMOKING POT AND FUCKING. WE CANNOT DISCUSS THIS AT THIS PARTICULAR JUNCTURE.
Btw I thought it was impossible to use up 48 bottles of patron in one night but I was wrong...
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
