I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
gay flight attendant. racoons. kegels. bartender with missing teeth. too many birthdays. fucckk.
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
It's been a long time since I got "Talk about Glen's enormous penis" drunk
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
a homeless man let us know that my friend was asleep in the bushes outside my house on main street. So just a small get together.
I just took a plan B pill with my preworkout. That's the level I'm on today.
I woke up beside him and almost cried. Then I realized you were on the other side so I knew I hadn't made any bad decisions.
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
He's UNCIRCUMCISED. And it curves. Two things I've never encountered in all my sluttiness and they're both on the hottest guy alive. :(
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