i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
We just all danced like dinosaurs in the center of the dance floor.
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
i was wearing footie pjs. how could there be confusion as to who i hooked up with, thats not something you forget
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
This is going to be the summer remembered forever as the giant 3 month long mushroom trip.
I would have screamed and cried and bled and shit and then died. Fuck that guy.
Everyone was passed out so I turned off the lights and locked all the doors. I also took the chicken sandwich in the microwave as payment.
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
I'm gonna fight the coyote
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
i just woke up on the desk in his dorm with him snoring in my vagina. better than last week waking up to a different guy puking on my bare ass i guess.
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